Joint Family, Givers And Takers

Joint families are common in Indian societies. While I see many a benefit of joint family system, I also see the perils that lead to dysfunction in families.

Greatest of the perils in my observation and experience, especially in middle class joint families, is free-rider problem, which is the focus of this post.

Joint family: A family where adult siblings live together along with their parents in one house sharing a kitchen and home finances.

There are broadly two types of MEN who live in joint family –

Givers

  • They are living in joint family because they feel obliged to serve and provide for the family
  • They bring more value and resources to the family than they consume
  • They are often bogged down by responsibilities, in that they may have potential to achieve more, greater things in life, but due to the weight of responsibilities they can’t live to their fullest potential
  • If they were left independent their lives would likely improve
  • They are burden-bearers

Takers

  • They are living in joint family mainly because they are not capable of surviving independently (they may or may not feel obliged to serve)
  • They bring less or no value and resources to the family and consume more
  • They have little potential other than what they gain by exposure to family responsibilities, their stability may be because of living in the family
  • If they were left independent, their lives would likely deteriorate
  • They are burdens

Note that the above classification only covers men of earning age, excepting women and aged dependents. As you can see, the way givers and takers are constituted is in stark contrast to each other.

If you are an adult man living in a joint family you might want to consider which one are you, a giver, or a taker?

Do you contribute equally to home finances as the other earning member, or contribute in proportion to your income? If you earn less and hence contribute less, that may not necessarily make you a taker. But how would you figure out if you are a burden or a burden-bearer?

Are you Giver or Taker?

Here’s how you should figure out if you are contributing enough to the family or are only taking from them, thus being a burden.

Imagine independent survival. Think that you don’t have a family house to live in, nor have any family member to support you financially. You’re completely alone and independent in the world as far as acquiring food, clothing and shelter is concerned.

In that case, how well are you able to survive? Or, would you be able to survive at all? If you are not able to survive, or would survive but not with as many material comforts as you enjoy with family, then that means you are now a burden on the family.

Let me help you ascertain your survival cost:

Your main survival costs consist of food, clothing and shelter.

Consider the quality and quantity of food you consume while living with family, the clothes you can afford to wear and the facilities you enjoy in the house.

Now think about how much money it would take to enjoy the same food, afford the same clothes, and live in the similar house (with all its comforts and facilities). For ascertaining the cost of shelter you would take into account the rent in your area, of the house the size of your portion in the family house.

Adding up these three costs – of food, clothing and shelter – will give you the cost of independent survival (COIS).

Now ask yourself this: Is your income more or less than your COIS? If your income is less than your COIS, then logic says someone else in the family is paying (or has paid, in case of ancestral house) for the life you are living in the joint family.

You’re a burden to the extent your contribution to the family is less than your COIS. Your COIS, for example, is Rs. 10,000/month, and your contribution to the family is Rs. 4,000/month, then you are a burden worth Rs. 6,000 which someone else in the family is bearing.

If your income is more than your COIS, are you contributing to the family more than COIS? If not, then again you are a burden.

How much should be a Man’s contribution to family?

If you are an adult man, first of all your income must be more than your COIS for you to not be considered a failure. Secondly, if you are an adult man with income greater than COIS living in joint family, you must give at the very least equivalent to your COIS, and ideally more than that for there may be non-contributing dependents in the family.

A family in which financial and other responsibilities are disproportionately shared by its men is not a healthy family, as there would be incentives for conflicts and severe dysfunction.

If you are taker in a joint family, you should start working on bringing more value to the family. Or think of going independent and see what you can make of your life. If you come to like independence better, good for you. But don’t continue being a burden. That’s not the way of men.

And if you are giver in a joint family, you might want to have a subtle and honest conversation with the takers, sharing the thinking and method described in this post to assess the situation. Try and see if it awakens their conscience.

Let me tell you this: Takers often have no limits, it’s the givers who have to draw the line.

So if you pitch to them to go independent, you would be doing them a favor initiating them to make men of themselves – even if they hate you for it.

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The Main Pic Theory

When you are considering a girl’s online profile, remember that the main photo depicts her looking the absolute BEST at ANY time in her recent past.

In other words, if her main pic is not pretty, you can bet your last coin that she looks much worse in person.  Girls are incredibly conscious of their appearance and will take great pains to have a photo which makes them look attractive.

So, bear that in mind.

Secondly, if her main photo has even a hint of her not taking care of herself, she is going to be an absolutely unhygienic, unkempt, smelly woman.  Some examples of such hints are:

  1. Bad hair-do
  2. Tired eyes with a hint of dark circles (probably a drinker)
  3. Crumpled or ill-fitting clothes
  4. Large sunglasses (she most likely has really ugly eyes)
  5. Hazy or unfocused photo
  6. A photo that does not show her neck, or has her making a funny face.  She is likely not pretty to look at and is trying to cover-up.
  7. Pimply skin.  Remember this is she at her best.  Her acne or some other condition is likely much worse and she chose the best photo available with the least amount of skin eruptions.
  8. Unsmiling photo.  If a girl cannot put up a smiling photo, you are likely dealing with a depressive woman who is probably in therapy or undergoing medication.
  9. The periphery.  If she has taken a photo in her bathroom, examine the items on display.  Evaluate if the bathroom looks spotless or dirty.  A dirty bathroom is a dead-giveaway of a slob.
  10. If it is a restaurant photo, examine what she is drinking or eating, and the condition of the table.

Once again, women are extremely visually-oriented when it comes to their own appearance and their surroundings.  If they post a photo that has any red flag at all, that is a bad omen.  If, for some weird reason, she chose a bad photo despite having better photos, that is an even more alarming red flag.

Simple Meditation for Self-Improvement

In his famous novel, Hermann Hesse wrote that the main character, Siddhartha, when asked about his skills, used to answer: “I can think, I can wait, I can fast.”

All these three qualities are absent in animals, and are distinct to human beings.

Meditation goes one step beyond thinking, to become aware of one’s thinking and to consciously reflect on one’s thought processes.  Meditation is not to think of something (though that too has its benefits, for example, to ponder over the saying of a great man).

Meditation is to observe one’s thinking, or to simply remain aware and conscious without any directed activity.  No activity, physical or mental, as far as one can manage.

Basic meditation is as simple as:

  1. On a preferably empty stomach, sit down comfortably with your eyes closed.
  2. Just remain aware and conscious, instead of getting lost in thought or in daydreaming.

You might ask, aware of what?  Just remain aware of what is going on: sounds around you, thoughts inside your head, your bodily sensations, your breathing, the slight movement of your eyelids, your heartbeat, …

In the beginning, sit for ten minutes.  After a daily practice of a month, you can increase the duration to be half an hour.  Eventually, aim to sit quietly and meditate for one hour.

What are the benefits of thus sitting quietly?

There are five fundamental benefits to this kind of meditation, no matter if you do it for ten minutes or one hour.  Obviously, doing it longer is better.  But an hour is more than enough for a normal man.

  1. You will, gradually, become the master of your mind.  Your mind constantly tempts to flow with this distraction or that distraction.  By holding it firm during your meditation, you are taming its distractability.  You will become more focused and efficient in your daily life.
  2. You will become more aware of your body and senses.  Due to this increased awareness, you will better enjoy your normal sensory experiences.
  3. You will see a reduction in your stress levels and you will sleep better.  If you allow the mind to be consciously idle, it refreshes itself and the stressful thoughts and feelings become mild and manageable.  You might find that after a session of meditation, you can calmly deal with any crisis that you might be facing.
  4. You will be able to respond to situations better in your day-to-day life.  Instead of immediately reacting, a quiet mind takes in the situation and the available information, and thoughtfully plans a response.  It will respond, not react.
  5. You will become more disciplined in other aspects of your life.  A meditator will not over-eat, not over-sleep, not dress shabbily, and so on.  Because you are doing something daily as a conscious activity, automatically your will-power, discipline and orderliness will see an improvement.

 

Feminism has made society obese

Feminism is essentially women revolting against traditional gender roles and wanting to have the advantages of being a woman as well as those of being a man.  While at the same time, they want men to enjoy no advantage from their masculinity.

What this means at home is that men cannot count on women cooking for them and feeding them, notwithstanding that men take the mantle of working and providing for their families.

Since home cooked food is not available to urbanites, both men and women are suffering from bad food.  They are eating processed, pre-cooked and junk food more than ever before.

Cooking for oneself is less efficient and seems like a chore than cooking for a family, which takes a similar amount of time.  This division of labor is anathema to a modern woman.  In many cases, she wants to be financially independent and therefore has no time or energy left to cook nourishing meals for her family.

You might ask, why should a woman cook, and not a man?  What is so special about cooking?  Cooking at a large scale is indeed done overwhelmingly by men: in restaurants, for special occasions, for large gatherings.  Women have traditionally cooked for their families because they were home, they felt good at providing this valuable service of nourishment and health to their families, and because it requires a certain attention to detail to prepare food for one’s family.  An old man might require easy-to-digest food, an infant might need a liquid diet, a growing boy and girl needs a certain diet.  While men did the work of providing for their families, it was the women who ensured that their families remained healthy and well-nourished.

In modern times, men are still held responsible for providing for their families, but women are no longer expected to cook (at least that’s what feminists will tell you). Working women and single mothers come home tired after work and have no energy left for cooking.  Women didn’t need to work outside home, but these days a single earning household struggles to make ends meet.  This is due to lowered wages (in which feminism has been a big factor because it has enlarged the workforce thus depressing the wages).

Not eating home-cooked meals means people are picking up food on the go, eating frozen dinners, gobbing on “comfort food” like french fries, cakes and ice-cream etc.

The growth of sedentary occupations is another big factor in this obesity epidemic, but as any diet expert or personal trainer will tell you, staying healthy and fit depends far more on diet than on exercise.

Feminism has made a good diet unavailable to the vast majority of urban population, and thus we see both men and women more and more unhealthy, struggling against the effects of a bad diet, and growing fatter and fatter.

If you are a single man, learn to cook some efficient and healthy meals at home.  If you don’t have a woman to cook for you, don’t despair and don’t depend on processed food.  Eat well, exercise and rest well.  It is not the same as having food with your family, but in these abnormal times, one has to take care of oneself.

Sluts are only worthy of a pump and dump

Delusion (noun): a post-wall woman, one who has been ravaged by dozens or hundreds of cocks, expecting devotion and love from a good man.

Today’s women, brainwashed by rom-com-porn, want “romance”.  They want good, healthy love.  They want attention and listening skills.  They want emotional support.  They want financial support.  They want social status.  They want a man in their lives.

But only those men are capable of providing romance and chivalry and commitment who are good men.  In their prime, these women ignored these good men in favor of badboys and tattooed jocks.  During their twenties, these women never gave these men the time of day.  And after having sampled enough badboy cock, these women wonder if there is true love in this world.

We think not.  Not for these women.

A good man is capable of devotion, romance and love.  But only to a woman who offers her devotion, romance and love in return.  And who, moreover, is young and unravaged and comes without baggage.

If a single mom of 40 expects “love”, she is bound for frustration and despair.  Why should a good man offer his love to such a woman?  What does she have to offer him in return, we wonder.  Her virginity?  Her innocence?  Her femininity and future motherhood?  Her nurturing and supportive nature?  No.  No.  No.  No and a thousand times no.

All she offers is a used up body, a dried up womb, and a hardened heart.

All she is worthy of is a pump and dump.

It is a tragedy self-inflicted by these women.  Let no one shed one tear for these delusional harridans.

They have made their bed, and they shall now lie in it.

If A Woman Doesn’t Like You, You Are A Pervert

Women always complain how hard it is for them to exist in the world where they can’t be out without facing harassment in the form of hungry stares and catcalls from men. Men drooling over women like dogs, they would say, are sick members of the misogynistic society.

Let’s examine in this post 1) why men stare at women, and 2) how far women are justified in their claims of harassment of this form.

Why do men stare at women?

It is instructive to read Sexual Economics by Roy F. Baumeister to understand what follows in this post better.

In the sexual marketplace, women are the ones holding the resource called sex. The resource that men desire. Women trade sex for commitment from men (which comes with wealth sharing and/or protection from men).

That is economics applied to the realm of sexuality; and explained by Roy Baumeister as sexual economics.

Women are the “sellers”, and men are the “buyers” in the sexual marketplace. Moreover, it is a seller’s market. Meaning, there is always more demand than supply of sex, putting women (sellers) in a powerful bargaining position. Consequently, it is to women’s advantage to be passive in the sexual marketplace while men have to be super active.

If a woman actively seeks to trade her sexual resource, the value of her resource would go down. On the other hand, if more men want to “buy” her resource, she is said to be commanding high value.

In normal language, a woman who actively seeks men for sex is seen as low value woman. And if many men desire a woman, that woman is a high value woman.

Since there are always more men desiring sex and ready for it at a given point of time than women, it is to women’s advantage to stay passive and allow men to approach them. That is why men approach and women decide.

Make no mistake, women want to be approached by men. If men did not approach women, evolution would fail and humans would soon go extinct.

Now imagine yourself as a buyer. Buyers screen products on offer. The sellers, especially in the seller’s market, don’t need to look at or solicit the buyers, but the buyers would compulsively scrutinize all sellers and their products to get the best deal. They even window shop when they don’t want to buy. They may not be in a position to buy certain product that they desire, but they would look at it when it is on display. That is the buyer’s mind. And men are the buyers in the sexual marketplace.

That is essentially why men stare at women. It is not harassment from men’s point of view. It is the biological design of nature that keeps the species alive.

It is the same force that makes men stare at women makes them approach women. And women want to be stared at and be approached by men. If not, they wouldn’t be carrying themselves the way they do.

Why do you think they show so much skin wearing revealing clothes? And the use of cosmetics to make them look attractive is just a seller’s tactic to draw more potential buyers. Women spend so much on looking attractive that nearly half of their attractiveness is fake, a result of cosmetics.

So why do women rail against men staring at them and catcalling them?

Have you seen a bum being shooed away from a shopping mall? Now you would know why.

Women want attention from men. They want to be stared at and be approached by men. But not just any man. Women want the attention of the men who they perceive to be of high value. Their attention whoring is to compete for high value men in the sexual marketplace.

Women can’t admit this. Hence the hypocrisy and double standard.

If a woman is stared at or is approached by a low value man, she would cry harassment and call the man pervert. This is their strategy to keep the low value men away.

If a high value man stares at a woman, he is deemed interested. If a low value man stares at a woman, he is pervert.

That has been, and is, the evolutionarily successful strategy for women.

You may also like my companion post: Rape Through the Lenses of Sexual Economics.

This article was originally published on Max Newman’s blog. Follow Max Newman on Twitter.

Blog of an Indian PUA

Recently we came across an interesting blog: Indian Man’s experience with women.  These are interesting tales of a probably youngish PUA who doesn’t use much except his attitude and skills to get laid.  We recommend his blog to our readers.  This blogger not only seems genuine, but his writing is good and there are many interesting insights and tips in his tales.

As an example, in this reminiscence, he shakes off his rejected mindset and has a good day in Rishikesh:

So I was roaming in the market, a lot of white people going past me. One white woman passes by, I open my mouth but no words come out. Another white woman passes by, I open my mouth, she looks at me for a second and then walks on. Third white woman passes by, I say hi, she is scared and walks even faster.

Okay so I was dejected by then. I started feeling like a creep. Probably the worst day of my life. I bought some fresh baked cookies from the street vendor and started eating. Sugar makes you high and I could do anything to change my sad state. As I was eating, there she came, wrapped in red, blonde hair and brown eyes, the white lady who’d ruin me for other women. She stood next to me and bought some cookies for herself and walked away. She was so gorgeous that I thought she was totally out of my league. And I had been facing rejections also.

But I decided to act regardless.

Bravo!