Men and women behave differently in the sexual arena. The differences are due to the different circumstances they have faced through their evolutionary history which have formed their biology.
Men and women did not face the same circumstances in the state of nature. Or rather, they did not deal with the circumstances in the same way. Thus, each developed behaviors which served best their survival and reproductive goals, and over time those behavioral patterns got hardwired into their natures. It is to be noted that most men and women are not conscious of the evolutionary causes of the differences in their sexual behavior, and would use various rationalizations to justify their behavior, or simply won’t admit to the differences.
The primal root of all sexual behavior is women’s instinct of finding a strong man who would protect them and their offspring, and men’s biological imperative of propagating their genes as much as possible by reproducing with women of good health. Keeping this in mind, following is a list of some of the differences in male and female behavior in the sexual marketplace.
Women love jerks. Men prefer chaste women.
Jerk, of course, is a term given to such men by culture. A man who has lived a day in his life knows that women dig bad-boys. It is because bad-boys possess the alpha-male qualities. These men are unemotional, uncaring, overconfident, narcissistic, psychopathic,.. Jerks, because owing to those alpha-male qualities they are not long-term relationship materials and often don’t treat women well by the present-day society’s standards.
Why would women fall for such men? Because in the evolutionary past when humans lived in the state of nature, those were the qualities that conferred survival advantage on them. Note that those traits correlate with the behavior required to effectively deal with harsh conditions of the wild. These men were also better protectors of women and offspring than the kindhearted and emotional men. Therefore, women’s trait of being attracted to alpha males is naturally selected by evolution.
As long as the man is alpha, his looks don’t matter that much, nor does his promiscuity. For men, on the other hand, the woman has to be good looking and must have good character. (Good looks are a sign of good health. That is the reason why humans – men more than women – find other good looking humans sexually attractive.) Whereas a man’s promiscuity does not prevent the expansion of women’s genes into the gene pool, a man having sex with a promiscuous woman would not be using his reproductive resources efficiently (his sperm would have to complete with other mens’ sperms). Hence, men’s innate preference for chaste women.
Virgin man is considered abnormal or gay by women. Virgin woman is considered a prize by men.
Culture, for healthy growth of society out of the state of nature, has tried to put a veil on many a fact of the dark side of our nature that is sexuality. Religions have imposed on men and women the uniform sexual morality. If you ask a priest, sex before marriage is sin for men as well as for women. But the unregulated sexual marketplace that the world is turning into is where the religious/cultural values and teachings are forgotten and the biological imperative rules.
Let a man in his twenties confess to a woman he is dating/courting that he is virgin and watch his prospects tumbling to the probable doom. Women would never admit this, but they feel biologically creeped out by such betatude. It is beta, because if the man was an alpha male then many women would be desiring him and he won’t be a virgin. She won’t admit it because she herself probably doesn’t understand her biological reactions which are at odds with her best interests in the present-day society. Rationally she may know that the man is rather good and virtuous but when it comes to taking him for a lover her biology won’t allow it. Have we seen a woman saying she wants a nice gentleman but is sleeping around with a bad-boy who always hurts her? All too familiar, isn’t it?
Men are wired differently. For them, woman’s virginity reflects her good character. It means that by having sex with a virgin woman the man can be assured that his reproductive resources are not being wasted, and that his genes will pass on as the woman is likely to remain faithful.
It is an offshoot of the above fact that a man’s virginity among his peers is a matter of ridicule; whereas a woman’s virginity is something she can flaunt with pride.
A woman expects a man to prove his love by not pushing for sex. A man expects a woman to prove her love by giving him sex.
Men and women both want sex, perhaps equally. But due to men’s biological imperative of having sex with as many women as possible for propagation of their genes, men are almost always ready for sex. Men are more sexual that way. Women, on the other hand, are choosy due to their having more stakes in the sexual activity. In the evolutionary past, women could not have sex as much and as often as men because of pregnancy and related risks to life. Besides, having sex with a wrong man (weak, beta male) would mean her offspring may not survive which would be an evolutionary failure. And since women can get pregnant limited number of times compared to men who can impregnate hundreds of women in their lifetime, right choice of mate is utterly important from evolutionary standpoint. Hence, women have evolved to be more reluctant and calculative in giving away their sexual resources.
Women want men to protect and provide for their offspring. Women’s challenge is to extract that kind of commitment from a man, not sex. For men, the challenge is to extract sex. Therefore, a man desiring a woman’s love has to show her that he does not just want to have sex with her but is ready to commit to her for long term. If he pushes the woman too much for sex then obviously the woman would get suspicious of his intentions. And by virtue of the same dynamic, when the woman gives him access to her sexual resources the man feels he has won her love.
Men prefer other men have less interest in their partner. Women love it when other women take interest in their partner.
A man would not like it if other men take interest in his woman. The underlying reason for that is if another man has sex with his woman, it may prevent his genes from being passed on. This is because if the woman has sex with multiple men, their sperms have to compete and only one man’s genes would be passed on into the gene pool. This does not apply to women.
For a woman, the more her man is desired by other women the more valuable he is, and the more attractive she would find him. Other women’s attention is validation that her man is an alpha male. Women love this, albeit, few of them admit this.
That is the reason why a woman hanging close with many men is labeled as slut and men won’t want a long-term relationship with her. On the other hand, a man hanging close with many women is interesting and cool, and would be desired by women. Contrary to the way it is with women, a man with no woman friend is unattractive, nerd, weirdo,.. to women. His looks don’t even matter.
Men are wired with sexual jealousy. Women are wired with emotional jealousy.
As I said above, men’s challenge is to get sex from women, whereas women’s challenge is to get men to commit to them. Sex is important to men, emotional attachment is important to women. Again, its root can be traced back to the male and female biological imperatives.
A man won’t want other men to have sex with his partner (or potential partner), or his partner to have sex with other men, because that would block the propagation of his genes. A woman won’t want her man to get emotionally attached to another woman for she wants him to provide for and protect her and the offspring. If the man develops emotional attachment for another woman, he might abandon her. The function of jealousy is to prompt necessary action in each case.
Men can tolerate emotional infidelity more than sexual one. Women can tolerate sexual infidelity more than emotional one.
It is because of this that men are often curious about the number of sexual partners the woman has had. The higher the number the lower is her value. Women’s curiosity is how many women the man has been in love with. The higher the number the lower is his value.
This article was originally published on Max Newman’s blog. Follow Max Newman on Twitter.