…. she ended up sodomizing me with her vibrator. I must have said no a thousand times …. It lasted about 6 or 7 hours …. I was crying, and begging her to stop …. I was hit, slapped, punched, scratched at, had plates/glasses thrown at me ….
When I was 21 I was raped by the girl who was my girlfriend at the time. We had been together for almost a year and half and she had been living with me for 5 months before she raped me. We did not argue much but when we did argue it was about me not buying something for her.
I supported her for 5 months while she did not have a job, and I was able to do so but I wasn’t able to afford $11 dollar boxes of organic oats or designer hand bags, shoes, dinners out weekly, etc. I often found myself putting my foot down and not spending on unnecessary expenses.
Slowly over time her resistance to my resistance grew and I figured out after that she was hoping to get me angry because she was into getting me riled up and then seducing me because we always had passionate make up sex. Anyways, she started to ask for more. Not just more things like clothes, health products, misc items but also more things in bed.
For a long time (3 months maybe) she tried to convince me to let her finger me while she gave me a blow job or while we had sex. I stuck to my guns for a really long time but eventually I was manipulated into allowing her to try it once. I was constantly told how selfish I was, things of that nature that led me to let her. She did it and I didn’t like it. I told her how it wasn’t for me and how I wasn’t comfortable with it. She told me she understood and that she was happy that I tried.
Over the next couple months she started to do it while I slept. I would wake up and she would be doing it while she blew me. Sometimes I woke up partially and was too tired to do anything about it but when I did wake up I made her stop every time. I would get very mad at her and not talk to her the next day. She would then get mad at me and redirect the blame and convince me that I was wrong. I ended up apologizing to her every time.
I grew to accept it. Even though I didn’t like it I knew that if I said anything or complained about it that she would throw such a fit that made my brain start to rot from stress that it wasn’t worth me putting up a fight. Luckily she started to lose interest in doing it after a while after I stopped caring about it. In the short term it was good for me, but in the long run it was bad.
The worst day of my life was when she decided to tie me up. She told me all the dirty things she was going to do to me while she kissed my neck and whispered into my ear as she tied my arms and legs down to the bed. Everything she said she was going to do was normal to me (suck me, ride me) so I let her tie me up. After I was tied up she asked me to try to break free and offered a reward to me if I could. She said she would be back and if I wasn’t free then I would miss out on the reward.
She came back and stood at the door and stared at me. She then told me how I wasn’t going to be rewarded because I couldn’t get out. She then told me she was going to punish me. Long story short, she ended up sodomizing me with her vibrator. I must have said no a thousand times. I was crying, and begging her to stop which in hindsight probably made it worse. I was anally fucked, then she tried to ride me but I couldn’t even get up. I was so broken emotionally and in pain physically. She then got very mad that I couldn’t get it up which was never a problem. I was beaten for a while. Then the vibrator again while being hit. It lasted about 6 or 7 hours but felt like it was a dozen. For a while she just left it in me while she went in the other room to watch TV.
It was mid day when she tied me up and had been dark for a few hours after it was over. I ended up falling asleep tied up. I think I just passed out more from exhaustion of trying to break free/get her to stop. I woke up and I was untied in bed by myself. Memories of the night before started to come back to me. I managed to get up and stumble to the bathroom and noticed her making breakfast. It felt like I had to go but it hurt too much to continue to try. I walked back out of the bathroom and she was all smiles. It triggered the memory of her smirk that she had while I cried in pain while I was tied up.
I didn’t say a word to her. Just sat down on the couch. She came over and was acting like everything was fine. She ended up making some kind of “what’s wrong? why are you so upset about it?” comment and I snapped. I exclaimed my feelings, told her how awful she was, and I broke up with her. Cue her rage rampage. I was hit, slapped, punched, scratched at, had plates/glasses thrown at me, the fan, laundry, clothes, the TV remote, literally anything that was not bolted down. All I could do was try to separate myself from her in my tiny apartment while I dodged punches and thrown items. I knew that I couldn’t hit back. And I am glad I didn’t.
I ended up calling the police which was the best decision I had ever made. The second I called them she calmed down and started to behave. They got there pretty quickly. Of course once they were there she played the damsel in distress and claimed that I was beating her up and choking her etc. I told the cop everything that happened which was embarrassing but worth it. They arrested her and she was jailed. I was questioned extensively and given many speeches about “if you are lying about this”. Eventually I was sent to the hospital to be checked out/have a rape kit performed.
Fast forward to a couple weeks after that, I got the F out of there. I moved and got a lawyer. She was forced out of my apartment when I called the cops because she did not pay any rent and we weren’t married so I was safe there but I didn’t feel entirely safe there knowing that she might try to contact me again. Because she was not from my city I got a restraining order that kept her out of state. I had the option to press charges but ended up choosing not to after consulting with my lawyer.
He explained to me that many people seek to press charges as a means of trying to solve their problems and that mostly it doesn’t fix the problem you have and it demoralizes you because you have to talk about what happened in front of a judge, other lawyers and worst of all her. I decided that if she ended up spending years in jail it wouldn’t change how safe I felt or my emotional state. I felt safe enough having a restraining order and was happy to not ever tell anyone about what happened ever again or even mention it.
Being raped has ruined my life for the time being.
When I was raped I was half way through my undergraduate degree. A year and a half later and I’m no closer to finishing it than I was despite continuing to attend school. I still have about 40% of my degree to complete. I should have already graduated.
I no longer feel comfortable with anything that restrains you. Roller coasters, the little loop attached to a camera that you put around your wrist, even seat belts. I put up with the seat belt though and I’m getting used to it again.
I haven’t had sex since I was raped. I’ve tried with three different women. Two were random hook ups, one of them I started to cry and just got dressed and left my own apartment. I told her she could stay the night and didn’t return to my place until 4pm the next day. The other one I lied and said I just wasn’t feeling great and “fell asleep”. The third woman I tried to have sex with my latest ex girlfriend. We had been dating for a couple months and decided to hold off on sex (her decision which I was happy with). When we started to try I couldn’t get it up. Anyway, that ruined that relationship pretty quickly because she felt she wasn’t good enough for me or pretty enough. We ended up mutually breaking up and I didn’t tell what happened to me until after we broke up.
I have mostly good days now, but still have bad streaks. Therapy was helpful for the first 4 months or so but started to lose it’s value to me when I started to block all my thoughts and feeling towards everything and saved it up for that one hour time block every tuesday.
Being raped by a girl doesn’t seem like it is possible and out society makes it out to be something that is not a bad thing which is wrong. “Men don’t get raped” and “men can’t get raped” are what I hear most often. Even something as innocent as “I was raped by that test” is enough to trigger memories for me.
Things I enjoyed before are less interesting, I don’t care about as much as I used to and I generally hate all forms of contact aside from the howie mandel fist bump or a high five.
My wounds are still fresh and while I am getting better it is taking time. A lot of time. I don’t know when I’ll be back to myself or if I’ll ever be the same but I plan on trying to move on like I have been doing for the last year and a bit. I hope that one day I can help other people who have been in the same situation as me by raising funds or starting some type of organization that pairs therapists with youth who can’t afford therapy and give it to them for free. I don’t see that happening for a long time, but when I can give back this is what I will give to.
The victim’s narrative first appeared on Reddit